Watching Blair Witch project with my sister, it’s a pretty lame movie but she’s a scary movie fan so I’m making her watch it.
We leave for the desert tomorrow, it’s going to be a fun time I’m thinking :) Cody my sister and I are leaving tomorrow during the day. A few of my sisters friends are coming out with to and then a few guys from Cody’s sober living and my brother and his gf are most likely coming out too. I think its going to be fun, I hope my brother and sister and their friends are all respectful enough not to drink around everyone, the fact of it is that i will not allow it to happen, I just hope they don’t put me in the position that I actually need to call them out. They all say they understand so I hope they mean it. #soberProblems
I was reading my past entries, from over two months ago, it’s so fun and interesting to read through them, it’s neat. It’s cool to go back to the beginning when I was first getting sober and I was realizing how beautiful and amazing my life could become and how different and awesome it was to not be so sick. Today my life is still that way, I’m still blessed and everything is still beautiful and I am so lucky, but I’m kind of getting use to it all now so it’s not so mind blowing, but that doesn’t mean I’m not just as grateful.
Krissy keeps asking me if I want to move in to a place with her, I defiently do not want to, but I don’t know how to tell her that. I suppose I’ll just blame it on timing, BC the timing isn’t right at all so that’s not a lie.
Cody and I are going to Lani’s bday party on sat, not looking forward to it, it’s 90s theme, which is kind of dope I guess, but I never talk to her anymore and I won’t know anyone and I’m not a fan of awkward conversations, I mean who is, but I REALLY am not, I’m awkward enough as it is.
I’m super crazy madly in love. I’ve never been in a situation this extreme.
Drank A LOT of water today :)
Hello my readers #noOne :) it’s been a little since I’ve written so let’s see where to start..let’s start with the basics..work’s going alright, haven’t been getting too many hours lately which is a bummer for obvious reasons, but it also makes me happy for all the wrong reasons #boyfriendTime none of us have heard anybofkfical word on if the Jr Stylists get to stay with the company or not..I’d be super bummed if I lost the job but it wouldn’t be the end of the world, retail’s getting old again, not that I don’t enjoy this job more than any I’ve had in a while but I’m starting to be bothered by it, although this is the attitude I always some how begin to feel with any place I work at..I suppose that’s why they say do what you love so you never have to work a day in your life. Obviously I just need to be an adult and realize that work is work and until I work with alcoholic s/addicts or God willing, work for myself I need to just work like a normal person and keep a good attitude about it, I’m an adult now and I need to behave like one?
, like I mentioned a little while ago, I need to work on my work ethic, so that’s something I’m going to keep a priority for the month of March. Next week I’m going to start applying to restaurants and other random stores I’m interested in working at, just in case I lose this job, I do not want to be without a job very long #obviously
School’s still going well which is nice. My math teacher is still a nut, but I’m passing and that’s what matters. My life skills class is still fairly interesting so that’s nice. I’m applying myself prob about %70 so putting in %100 is another thing I need to remain focused on in the month of march, I’m doing better than I expected so I need to strive for better now, knowing that it’s possible. I’m completely off energy drinks #toxins and I’ve tapperes down my espresso intake a billion percent, so much so that I go through pretty gnarly caffeine withdrawal s #headacheExtreme. So slowly I should be off that completely too, I’m hoping I can just get my energy naturally through foods I eat, exercise, sleep, water, thongs like that #chiaseeds. My relationship with Cody has never been stronger or healthier or happier…he’s just so dope, I know its only been like fourty days but I feel like I’ve had him forever. He’s just so freakin sick. He’s like no y I’ve ever k own, which I’ve said before but that doesn’t belittle saying it now. He’s so honest and sweet and sincere and he means what he says when he says it, he doesn’t play games or bring me down in ANY way. He accepts who I am completly but encourages me to change/grow when its appropriate. He’s supportive and excited and just so raw. Everything about us is just so raw. And we’re conpletly on the same page about everything. Every aspect of our relationship is extreme or like intensified than normal. And we have so much fun together and everything we do is just healthy, there’s nothing wrong or misleading or unreal or stained about what we do. It’s just all appropriate in the sense that it helps us to grow as people separately, together and as people in recovery. It’s just totally legit. I’ve stuck to my gym goal for sure, I’m there 5-7 times a week which had been super awesome. So focusing on that in March isn’t necessary, it’s already a habit. So beside the earlier mentioned tasks, here are a few more goals for the month.. 1) go to court 2) 8 glasses of water a day (I’ve gotten MUCH better the past few weeks but I still need to make a better effort) 3) become super aware of the shit I leave around the house, I haven’t been hone very often to show appreciation to my parents by helping out around the house as much as I did but I want to make a more conscious effort of keeping my shit organized and out of the way. And then just trying to be a bit more observant when I’m around and try to take care of little things as I notice they come up. Like check under the toilet seat and clean it every few days, be aware of the trash and take it out when needed, turn off lights, do dishes in the sink..just random normal adult things that people do I. their own houses every day..and I’m on a path to adulthood soooo… 4) make an appointment to see a dermatologist. So I did something I’m not quite proud of. I cut the other night…I was just triggered for days and I couldn’t help myself..and its hard BC I’ve been craving it for two days and trying not to act on it BC I’m trying to not let it be an option, it would be so great if I could at least figure out why I do it. I did research and I didn’t fit in to ither category… Anyways it was the first time in a long time and it was the first time in an extremely long time that I’ve done it sober. It was odd, the first cut I made, made me feel so fucking high. a more intense high than i may have ever felt..so high it make me crazy sick to my stomachs #throwUp. I want to write more about it but I am super falling asleep while typing this, so I’ll finish tomorrow.
Its been almost a week since I last wrote. Tonight I had every intention of writing BC I really had something to write about this time. But I’m just so exhausted now, and I don’t want to force myself to write about those things before I go to sleep…today was not a fantastic day..but I am going to bed incredibly happy and filled with so much love and so much excitement and so much joy, and in the end that literally is all that matters.
Not too sure what to write about or where to start…I got a sponsor, so that’s a really big step in my recovery and I’m really happy, proud and excited about it. I know working on the steps is going to take my recovery to a whole next level and I’m really excited about it. She seems pretty legit too, so hopefully we get a long well and it’ll just go from there.
Cody and I got in our first big fight tonight, so that’s interesting. He’s a pompous, arrogant douche when he argues and its very funny to see BC it’s so far from the type of person that I would ever describe him as. He just gets this attitude, it’s very interesting. I don’t even know how the argument came about really…I guess it all started with me feeling very insecure out of nowhere, which happens often. #illComeBackToThatLater. But anyway I got all insecure, and when I’m insecure I’m distant and act different and so Cody was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and then after the meeting I said something about him wanting to go get a battery for his vape, BC honestly I thought it was fucking stupid that he wanted to drive all the way to his house BC he couldn’t go 45 min without fucking vaping, and he said I made the comments really rudely and he says I get snippy with him whenever I’m dealing with something in my head and he got kind of upset with me, and it just all kind of escalated from there. I never was angry through out the argument except for like five min when he was telling me I was being snippy when I wasn’t. But really throughout the whole fight my feelings were, sad, worried and confused. Idk it all got out of hand and it was really strange arguing with him bc I saw a different side of him that I didn’t like, but I act like a smart ass bitch when I argue so he’s allowed to be not so pleasant when he fights as well. He wasn’t a dick or say any hurtful things or anything like that so it’s okay. Obviously we’re okay and we’re not going to break up or anything crazy like that. It was just a shitty ending to a night and that happens
“You def are the girl I fell in love with and will always love like crazy. This was a shitty end of the night, these things happen.” “I LOOOVE you so much Melissa PERIOD. This changes nothing. We will work through this, just like we will work through countless other things in our lives together.” #realSweetGuy
I don’t know what to do with my insecurities. Now that I’m getting sober and I’ve been reading some books, I realize how miserable and exhausting to live life this way. The self hate tape I play is just never ending and just so fucking mean. And its not shit about my personality that I discuss with myself, like i mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been getting to know myself a lot lately and the person I am and the person I’m growing in to, I like, I like her. I think I have a good sense of humor and I think I have good morals and I’ve created standards for myself that I stuck with and I think my style is pretty much me, and I think I’m pretty true to myself and I don’t think I try too hard or conform for anyone and I think I’m the right amount of tough/badass and I think for the most part in good and I’m sweet and I’m kind. And the fact that I can say all of those things about myself and believe them and be proud of them, that’s a huge deal, that’s super impressive. And then of course there are things I’m aware of that I need to work on, like I need to be a harder worker and apply myself more, to school and to work. I need to work on complete honesty. I need to find better balance in life sometimes and I need to be more observant and a little less selfish. But those are all things I can work on and those are things I don’t beat myself up or hate myself for..my self hate comes to my looks. I literally think I am the ugliest person alive, I think everything about the way I look is ugly and that everyone else must think so to and that people must think “why the hell is he with her?!” When they see Cody with me. And i tell myself that people just aren’t attracted to me and that I’m just the plainest unattractive person pretty much ever. Some days I think that when people see me they must just be so disgusted by me..those thoughts take me to bad places, those thoughts are exhausting, and when I have those thoughts while around cody, those thoughts pull me away, make me distant and just plain weird. Cause I think to myself, man, this guy must be so embarrassed and ashamed to be around me right now. And I don’t know what to do about it, because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop that tape from playing, no matter what. Even my body, um pretty okay with it, I think I’m kind of sexy, especially since I’ve been working out and eating well, I mean I still HATE my tits #saggy and my ass is no where near where I want it and sometimes I feel a little bloated, it still I’m pretty okay with what I’m working with, but my face…my face, I think my face is ugly. That’s the only word I can think of to describe it. And its not just when my skin isn’t clear, its all the time, all the time I think I’m an unattractive fuck, and I don’t know how to change that :(
Haven’t written since Monday, today is Thursday.
Met Cody’s mom, really sweet lady, kinda quirky,much less intimidating than his dad, kinda. She was not shy about telling me she stalked my facebook , she really wasn’t shy about anything. All in all she’s a super nice lady and if Cody and I stay together I’ll feel super lucky to have all his family in my life.
It was a really nice experience going to dinner with his old coworkers as well. He’s so loved, obviously i’m glad his addiction took him to where it did BC it brought him to me, but its so sad his addiction caused him to become who he did and do what he did. He had a really good job and he did that job so well..but he was extremely unhappy and in the end that’s what matters.
School’s going okay and work’s going well. I need to start my fucking period BC I’m bloated and I’m crampy and its driving me crazy!! Especially being bloated, its super more uncomfortable than normal and I’m really hating it.
Getting my bloody tooth out tomorrow morning #finally #can’tFuckingWait this pain will be gone and I won’t have to think about it all day everyday and I won’t be in pain which obviously is awesome.
I’m curious about whether tanking the pain pills they give me will be a relapse or not, I know it’s not if I don’t abuse them it’s gonna take everything in have not to abuse them..I’m pretty sure I will…but that is a relapse isn’t it?? So much goes in to that, I’m an alcoholic not a drug addict, but really I’m just a drug addict waiting to happen and really lucky I just never really found drugs BC if I had I’d be dead with a needle in my arm BC that’s the kind of user I am, I’m an extremist and I just don’t stop. So really for me,abusing pain pills would be a relapse…
I’m sick :( my nose is stuffy and my throat is all super messed up #meh
Im up pretty early. I gotta clean my moms house before I start my day, not looking forward to it but I just need to do it. My brother let his girlfriend spend the night and Julie didn’t come home last night, I love being the good kid ;)
Scott McKenna just doesn’t get it and I don’t know how to make him get it…
Went to two meetings yesterday and work, it was a pretty okay day, going to that dinner with Cody and his old friends tonight, also maybe meeting his mom today. Kinds a big deal.
I woke up today thinking I wanted to drink #scary. That’s really the first real thought of drinking I’ve had in a very long time. Obviously I’m not going to do it, but I don’t even like the thought being in my head..
Pretty okay day today. Worked for just a while, mainly just hung out in the bra room organizing BC it was slow as heck in the store, it was nice. Had a pretty legit work out when I got off. Fell asleep in the tanning bed, which is pretty much the ushe for me. Cody and I stopped by my parents house to get towels to sit on at the beach, and I left them on the table #soundsAboutRight. It was a nice time at the beach. Although I wasn’t with anyone I was super close with and I was a BIT awkward in the beginning #whatElseIsNew, I’m glad we went. It was a good time, I’m glad Cody met some more of my family, and it was just one more thing I got to do because I’m sober. 101 days ago I would have NEVER made it there. I’m interested to see what Kris has to say about Cody, and if she knows anyone else’s opinion..
After the island visit Cody and I went to a meeting then went and played laser tag at my sisters soon to be old work. It was a lot of fun and i’m super stoked we went. After that we just hung out for a bit #ridingInCarsWithBoys before taking me home for the night.
I’m going to diner with Cody and some of his old coworkers on Monday… Its going to be interesting meeting ppl from his past. I’m nervous, but what else is new?
I really need to work on my confidence and self-esteem. I’m starting to accept and even be happy with my personality, now I gotta work on liking my looks..BC my insecurities are really starting to take away from things in life and becoming a problem to the sober me..not to mention its just mean to myself and a waste of time and energy..I really really need to work on that.
100 days sober today!! Super happy and proud of myself. It’s a really good feeling. Never knew I’d come this far again.
Not much more to write about about. Met Cody’s sponsor tonight, that’s a big step. He seems like a very chill dude. Went to 2 meetings tonight, they were pretty good. I got called off of work BC I guess we were going to be really slow so that was awesome, I got to spend all day with my valentine ;)
On wed Cody and I are going to meeting hop all day lol from noon to 930pm were going to go to meetings. That’s like seven meetings in one day lol #recoveryLife it’s so legit that were both so down.
Gonna try to pass out now, gotta work early then work out then meet up for the cousin bon fire, woot ;)
Oh yes, my new obsession is going to be my skin, I really want to find a way to clear it up and keep it healthy. Also, I didn’t have one monster today #impressive. It was suuuuuper tempting and tough but I did it. And I drank a pretty good amount of water. Yay me!
Tomorrow I’m starting what I like to call my “water diet”
So apparently water is like this drink that’s just suppose to be sooo amazing and healthy for you, like this magical elixir of life or something. I’m just not a big water drinker, I drink like one glass a week, maybe..and Cody’s making this big deal about it so I did some research and this whole water thing is really suppose to do wonders!! And I’ve been drinking SSOOOO many monsters lately I’ve been feeling and looking like shit and wondering why and NOW im hearing that these energy drinks are just completely toxic and full of shit that’s terrible for you, and I drink like 4 a day. SO upon discovering that shit I’ve decided to put down the monster and drown myself with water. Ive got some catching up to do!! Super excited, I hope my system flushes out and my skin clears up and I just stop feeling so all the way around shitty,
Also I got my 4 days of Gym in last week, super proud of myself.
Speaking of physical stuff, in the beginning of March I’m going to start a cleanse. I think it’s called the Simple Cleanse or something hippy like that. For the first seven days you cut sugars, gluten, and dairy out of your diet, then you do seven days of veggies, brown rice, and a certain protein shake. Acorrding to people with actual experience its suppose to be the best thing in the world (maybe even better than this water crap) and you’re just suppose to feel soooo fabulous. I’m super excited, who doesn’t want to feel fabulous??!!??
Went to the desert with Cody, we had a blast, of course. We left Tuesday night and came home today in time for my math class. I love him, he’s Rufus.
Class was good, my math teacher is more out of his mind then I ever thought could be possible, I don’t know how this guy gets his teaching plans accepted but whatever. Only 9more weeks, or something like that. My aunt reminded me today that I just got to get take it and then I never have to take it again, that’s a good way to look at it. Plus I’m not going to let that crazy man fail me, I will succeed!!
Gotta big weekend at work, it’s Valentines day and I think it’s a big deal for brides, idk. I use to like Valentines day when I was younger, it was so awesome to write out those little cards and make little mailboxes for our desks and dress up in pink and reds. But now, IDGAF lol, I really could care less. But anyways some ppl get happy over it so, to each their own.
Gonna hang out with Cody tomorrow(#25outOf28days) before work then go to a meeting after BC I haven’t gone to one since Tuesday night and I’m missing it. I work 9-230 on sat and then going to the gym before going to meet my cousins at a bonfire with Cody. I’m kinda nervous to bring him, not really but just kinda. I wish Diane was going to be there, or it’d be cool if Alyse would be there also..oh well it’ll be okay.
Nothing of real importance to write about again. My life’s kinda boring right now, not boring in the sense that nothings going on or happening, just nothing new, crazy, or important to discuss. #love