I could never imagine being much happier in life, but I never imagined I’d be this happy again either..and that’s pretty exciting. It’s pretty cool that I things like getting my license back, continuing school, getting a career, continuing to excel at the job I have now, taking my relationship with Cody to the next level, possibly one day moving in with him #marriage, continuing to get close to the very important people I have in my life..those are things that will add to my happiness, and those things are all more than doable, as long as I keep my sobriety my priority.
I did good with my daily priorities today
#health; had a great work out, all I wanted to do was sleep in like crazy but I dragged my ass out of bed and forced myself to go and it was definitely worth it.
#Career/school; went to school today, was productive in class, worked on a bit of homework when I got home.
#friends; text with Gavin a lot, had a nice important conversation, set up a date to meet up with him. I’m nervous about seeing him but he’s moving and I need to make my ammends, he deserves to talk about what happened between us, and he’s moving in a few weeks and its important for our friendship that we see each other, he does mean a lot to me. Also I called Scott because he asked me too, and we had a nice talk and I was there for him with family stuff. And although sometimes it’s hard for me, he deserves to have me be a good friend to him.
#family; cooking lesson and hang out time with Diane, made a point to reach out to Alyse (hope it was okay) spent some time chatting with my sister. Wished Shar a happy birthday ;)
#sobriety; all the things I did today helped my sobriety. Living a normal let helps my sobriety.
I feel like I should add a priority, it’s going to be #boyfriend. I’m not going to like buy him stuff every day or whatever but I just want to make sure I do things and act in a way that let’s him know how appreciative I am of him and how happy he makes me and how special he is to me. Soo..
#boyfriend; I sent him a really nice text before we went to bed just thanking him for being a kick ass dude, and we had fun alone #ridingInCarsWithBoys, and #bj ;) whoever thought it really could be enjoyable…not me :)
.. Some only maybe
No day but today
I came home from dinner tonight just so stoked on life, had a great work out, had a great day at work, had a great dinner with Cody and his nephew, had a great time all around with my fella and had a great time #ridingInCarsWithBoys. When I came home I found myself wishing, like I often do, that I could text tay and talk to her about how happy I am and see what’s going on in her life and just share in my joy. And I’ve wrote about this before but tonight i just found it so awesome again, I don’t have to reach for the bottle anymore, I can deal with my sadness and pain and grief and loss. I Can sit down and think about her, and cry if I need, but just let my heart fill with love and sadness both at once, I can let myself feel. However unpleasant it maybe, it’s real. And that’s just so beautiful today, I’m learning to live with feelings. I’m learning to live with pain, and uncomfortableness, regret and doubt and fear and loss and guilt, sadness and anger, and I’m also learning to live with joy, triumph and accomplishment and humor and celebration and love and every type of happiness and good feeling. Before, everything caused me to drink, from crying, to yelling, to laughing, to just waking up. Today, I get to experience feelings. And I’m not saying you get sober and you learn and everything about u changes. Some things change right away, like most of us stop stealing, and there’s a lot we can stop lying about and ect. But I didn’t get sober and suddenly know how to deal with my sadness and loss. Or for example, just a few days ago I got in to an argument with Cody and the worst side of me came out. And I handled the situation terribly, and I was embarrassed and regretful and felt so horrible about it, such a bad side of me came out. But the cool thing is that I got to sit and think about it.I saw exactly where it went wrong and how my anger took over me and I was able to make mental decision on how to handle myself in the future. And that is just so awesome. We have these defects that don’t go away when we get sober, just BC we don’t drink or use doesn’t mean we aren’t still who we are. We’re training ourselves to change for the best, we get to stop and think about how we want to react in life, and eventually doing the right thing will just become habit. Right now that’s my biggest blessing, that I get to grow and change in to this awesome person who does the right thing. There are so many people out there who are assholes and rude, selfish people that aren’t addicts or alcoholics, they are going to go through their wholes lives being those people, but we get to take the time to learn to be better. Today, that’s my biggest blessing, I’m stoked on my job and school and my family relationship and my friend relationships and my awesome boyfriend, but being able to grow in to a good person is by far the greatest gift of the program for me, today. “We will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us” (1 of the promises)
Today was a good day :)
Cleaned my moms house, went to the gym #finally (its been like 4days!!) Stopped at the grocery store and bought some delicious fruit, hung out with my man for a little bit at his place, we went to a meeting with meg, we went and had some alone time #ridingInCarsWithBoys then i got home kinda early and now I’m going to sleep :)
My man friend was finally feeling better which is good for everyone, he’s kinda a big baby when he doesn’t feel well, it’s annoying in sorta cute way.
We got through another one of my insecure crazy moments…it sucks that I have them, but I’m going to try really hard to work on it..I just need to think before I react, eventually it’ll become a habit, but for now it’ll just have to be a conscious decision.
I can’t believe school is getting closer to ending, I cannot believe I’m actually doing it, and doing fairly well!! It’s pretty cool..I’ve said this before but I didn’t really think I’d stick to it and finish this semester, I figured I’d come up with some excuse to drop out, but surprise surprise, I didn’t #proud I forgot I finished my dental school program, that was kinda difficult and took some dedication, i don’t give myself enough credit, its sorta lame I didn’t do anything with it, but I did finish, so that’s something.
My assignment from my sponsor is to be nice o myself #harderThanUThink but I’m going to give it a shot, so today I took work off for myself, I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday and i spent all day yesterday working on my mid term and I just had a lot going on and wanted the day off to kinda clear my head, someone at my work said they’d work my shift so that’s what I did, and it was SOOO worth it! I’ll have to find something nice to do for myself tomorrow.
Priority Check List
#family; talked to Kris about her life, spent some time in the morning hanging with my bro and sis, hung out with my dads drunk ass when he got home tonight, did the dishes for my mom without her asking.
#friends; went to a meeting with meg, talked to her on the phone when she called, even tho I didn’t want to answer, but I’m glad I did.
#diet/health; worked out, ate healthy, drank A LOT of water, made myself do my nightly face wash routine even tho I really didn’t want to.
#Career; took the day off from this one, although I did take a look at my math test for the week, so that’s a start :)
#sobriety; meeting, chatted with another alcoholic/addict about recovery, texted my sponsor to say hi.
Today didn’t start off well and it was rough for a few hours, but as I mentioned in my post I got through it and my day turned around completely. I got out of fclass and worked on my first step with my sponsor which went well, I went to a meeting with meg and had a good time with her. My only complaint is that I didn’t see Cody today :( he’s sick, meh!!! This is my first day not seeing him in over sixty days!! It was super lame and if he’s not netter tomorrow I’m going to lose it :( I miss my buddy!!! Oh love #sweet
I woke up today still feeling out of it and down and disappointed and just off. And while I was getting ready for school tears were coming to my eyes BC I just couldn’t shake this feeling of hopelessness and sadness and loneliness. Here r some texts I sent Cody while we were talking about it
“No I’m not okay, I feel suc ky and depressed and down and agitated and just all around shitty and unhappy.”
He asked me if I had prayed or read from the big book or maybe take a walk, “all of that sounds terrible to me right now, but that’s all good advice. I’m going to see my sponsor tonight so that’s good but I’m not looking forward to it. I’m just crazy unhappy in sobriety right now and I want this feeling to pass.”
Then he said something else and I said “I know. I just need to get out of myself and focus on my priorities. I know working with her will help and I’m going to a meeting tonight and once I’m back in the gym that’ll help too I just feel incredibly sad and I want to drink and that’s scaring me.” Then he says something else and I go on to say “idk if I want to drink BC I’m so unhappy or if not being able to drink is adding to the sadness. Or it might be that BC I want to drink I’m so sad. I just don’t understand how I can sit here and consider drinking and throwing everything away like it’d be worth it. I don’t understand how I can even think like that.”
We text some more about it and thank goodness he’s here for me and gets it and I’m able to talk to him about this. I. Embarrassed BC I’m five months sober and I’m having all these thoughts, but that’s the alcoholic in me. I’m just going through it hard, and that’s okay, that’s allowed, sobriety isn’t easy..if it was there would be a lot more sober ppl I imagine. And ppl go out everyday BC the alcoholic in them is there in the corner of their mind doing pushups waiting for the moment they can take them down. Alcoholism is like a sleeping tiger, just waiting to wake up and pounce. It’s always there, the alcoholic is always going to be inside of me, she isn’t going away.
So I just had to go thru it and wait for it to pass. I had to do all the things I knew I needed. Talking about it helped a little right away BC it took the power out of it. Then I spent some extra time on myself getting ready and deciding what to wear BC looking good helps everyone to feel better, I think it’s the fake it till ya make it theory. Then I didn’t let myself eat all the shitty food I wanted to, I made my protein shake and drank lots of water and I felt better after doing that. So that helped with my #diet priority, and then I texted my cousin who I haven’t talked to in a fee days and that helped with my #family and then I texted a few people in the program who I haven’t talked to in while just to say hi and wish them a good day, and then I text a girl I work with to say hi BC I knew she had a really bad day at work the other day, so that helped me grout of myself and it helped with my #friends priority. And I didn’t want to go to school, I wanted to just ditch class and pretend it got canceled but I dragged my butt to the bus stop and went anyways. And by the time I got here, I was feeling much better, I am feeling much better. There’s little culture fair at school and that made me smile and I bought myself incense and that made me feel better BC I LOVE buying incense, and I know that about myself, and that’s pretty cool.
And I’m feeling better. And I’m seeing my sponsor at five and I’m going to a meeting at 8 and those things will make me feel better. I’m going to see some free comedians tonight, and laughing will make me feel better. I’ll be okay, all of this is passing, I walked thru this. And that in itself, is super rad.
I needed to get outside of myself and do things I didn’t want to do and do things I knew would make me feel better. I can make it through sobriety, I can stay sober and my life will continue to be awesome. I just gotta get away from that alcoholic in my head. She is not who I am.
Today wasn’t the best day for me in my recovery. I was very triggered today and that trigger made me depressed about never being able to drink again and caused me to wonder for a while if maybe I would just go back to drinking, #insane. Also I was just kinda easily agitated today and upset for no good reason.. I got down about nothing in particular, I was just pretty unhappy. I did nothing for my priorities, which is what I need to be doing something for once a day #family #friends #career #diet #sobriety. and that is prob why I just felt shitty and down, I didn’t get outside of myself, or allow for any productivity in my day in any aspect of my life. What is cool and what good came out of this is that when I lay in bed and recapped the day i see why I felt like I did, and I don’t allow myself to beat myself up about it or make my self miserable over it. Its okay, this stuff happens. I’m not perfect, its progression not perfection. Tomorrow is total brand new day. No need for these feelings from today to carry on over to tomorrow. I can move on, tomorrow I can go back to my priorities #family #friends #career #diet #sobriety.
My life is not what it was 5months ago. My life is blessed and beautiful. I have relationships with family members and my small group of friends, I have a relationship with myself. I have a job and I can finish this semester of school. I wash my face brush my teeth and wake up early and eat meals at normal times. I remember conversations I had the day before, I read books, I go on hikes, I work out, I go camping. I say sorry when I need to, I have ppl in my life that trust me. I realize when I’m slipping and if I just force myself to change those things I slip up on, eventually doing the right thing or doing what I need to do will just be what comes naturally. I’m still learning, I’m still fighting against the alcoholic that’s inside of me, with her laziness and selfishness and all her chaos and other character defects. I still struggle with that person that for YEARS I allowed myself to be and eventually just believed that I was.
Progress not perfection. But that’s not an excuse to slack off and not work at every day. That’s not to be used as a justification.
Tomorrow is a brand new day. I use to tell myself, tomorrow is a new day to stop drinking, now I get to tell myself, to tomorrow is a new day to change, be better, and progress. And what’s even cooler than that, when I tell myself “tomorrow..” I actually believe it is what I will do. I know I’m not kidding myself like I was when I said “tomorrow I’ll stop drinking.”
It’s so funny, yesterday I was all in my head about focusing on feeling grateful and today my higher power was all over it with having me feel gratitude. It was pretty awesome.
I’ve been trying to control my drinking literally from my first drunk, which happened to also be my first blackout, I’ve been telling myself, next time I get drunk it’ll go differently. I tried to control and figure out my drinking for eight years. I tried everything I could think of, changing my liquors, changing where I drank, who I drank with, trying to only drink on certain days, trying to use coke to help me control it, I tried everything and tried them countless times. Once, I decided I would stop ordering a shot and a cocktail, I’d order a shot and a beer instead, I thought that was the perfect way to help me calm down the drinking..that only made me need to order more shots. And when I say in was a blackout drunk, I mean I blacked out at some point every time I drank. Every first drink eventually led to a black out, there are very few times I can recall not blacking out, if any. .so for 8years I tried to come up with a way to control my drinking, not to stop it or change it really, just control it in hopes it would just one day end in fun like the hundreds around me. Then through a series of life events my drinking landed me in a rehab. And in that rehab I learned what AA was and what sobriety kinda sorta looks like, and shortly after I got out I was drinking again. And anyone who’s relapsed knows, when you go through a relapse your drinking becomes filled with a whole new set of guilt and shame and lies. And for the next two years I tried living a secret, living in so many lies and so much fear those lies would come to light, and overtime they did. But what’s more I stopped trying to control my drinking and gave in to surrendering to the alcohol and just trying to live my life in those blackouts and in that addiction and do everything I could just to come out of it not too harmed. I accepted I was powerless and that I couldn’t drink like a lady and that I needed to just live in the shit I had created and the dark place my drinking brought me, BC I was not ready to give it up. How could I love something so much? How could I love something that constantly beat the shit out of me on a daily basis?? I accepted that I was just the shitty, unaccomplished, isolated, lying, loser the booze had created. I would die an alcoholic with an alcoholics death, I could not control my drinking and there was no longer a reason to even try. And so I loved in that mindset for over a year and I let my world fall around me without even a second glance. And when the grace of God brought me in to detox one last time, and I made the decision to try to get sober I still was unsure. But agreed to get help to shut everyone up and deep down I thought maybe I would like to give sobriety one more shot. And then after the first few days of clarity I thought to myself, I HATE what my life has come to, and I thought maybe if I cit out the alcohol I really con change and I can find myself and I can move forward.. So I started to change everything and I went through the whole program and I forced myself to complete iop and at a bout 45\50 days I looked around and thought to myself this time, I’m really doing it, it happened so slowly and first and then all of the sudden it happened all at once. And my life was different and my attitude was different and my priority’s were different and I was different.. I look around my life today and there are times that I just think to myself, this is my life today??!! And I am shocked. I never thought in a billions years I would live like this. A normal life doing things normal people do. Having a life I’d only wanted for myself but knew I’d never get. And I look around and today I have that life. For as long as I can remember i just wanted to be normal, and live a normal life, and today I do.
My life is not easy, sobriety has not come easy..but it is So so so very worth it.
Today I am grateful. Every day I’m grateful but today I’m super aware of it, and i’m going to make it priority to realize my gratefulness more often.
I’m coming on five months and I’ve been trying lately to take a look at where I was five months ago, and just the beauty my life has been given. I’m no longer on the “pink cloud”, which is a term I dislike..it’s not that I’ve fallen off the pink cloud, it’s that over the past few weeks I’ve become less in shock of the awesomeness that has become my life. It’s just not so different anymore, I’ve become use to it in a way, but that doesn’t make me any less grateful or blessed or happy, I just want to keep it in the fore front of my mind..
My Job, school, my relationships. Those are all things that make up my recovery. Meetings, the book, my sponsor, AA in general, those are all important too. But in MY recovery, in order for ME to stay sober, I had to change everything in my life and I had to do it quick. In order to continue in my sobriety I need to work hard at my job, I need to work at staying in school I needed to change my health habits. I need to work on my relationships with family and friends, all of those things are keeping me sober. If I didn’t have those things, i’d drink again. I needed to change myself, if I just had AA, that wouldn’t have been enough, I needed to see results right away..but that’s just what worked for me, for a lot of ppl that’s not how it goes..they “easy does it” and they suggest a year before making big life changes, but I had to change everything if I had any chance of staying sober and ultimately staying alive…but a side note, I’m ready to try to add more of AA to my recovery, I’ve made life changes and I’m settling in to those ways, now its time to grow in the program and really work it. So that’s fun :) with ALL of that being said, want I want to say, is that I am blessed and I am grateful and in a lot of areas in my life I am free.
Had a nice few days with my fella #desert. It was windy and kinda cold but that just meant snuggles and naps