Wrote this poem idk how long ago, found it last night. Man I was dark…
Silently she whispered
as she let it all fall.
Slip through her fingers
like candle smoke.
Gloating and floating,
with nothing to come back.
Her words were few,
but dragged on for hours…
Each sound piercing through their hearts,
For that slip the world stood still.
Frozen like the moment had been captures with just a click.
Then as our souls each took one last breath, and our hearts skipped one last beat..
her gasping scream ended the time halt.
Her silent cry moved the world again.
Why are boys so dumb?? Like they know I have a bf, I have not said anything close to “I’m interested in you” and they still text me messages they think are cute and clever.. Like really?? Ugh they’re so annoying , guys are just pathetic sometimes..I kinda feel rather bad for them now…yay women!! Lol I do love men tho :)
Speaking of love I want to write about my fella for a min..although he annoyed me while he was sick j have learned that I can put up with it, I’ll just have to be prepared when he gets sick #girltime #alonetime #notthatbad. If our biggest problem is that he’s a baby when he’s sick, then we’re pretty lucky, but I already knew we were. I love that man so crazy much, my love for him is on a whole different level, and so I our relationship. We’re at a new very balanced and natural level, everything about us is so natural. He’s like a best friend I get to have great sex with, I think that’s really just what everyone wants in life :) I love his kindness, I love his humor, I love his genuineness, I love his concern, I love his insecurities and his dedication, passion and his sobriety and his smart and sexy side..I even love his whinny sick baby side :) I was reading the list I wrote in detox about what I want in a man, he gets every point, besides maybe the career but I know that’s to come, I believe me when he says he’ll take care of me. I love him madly.
It’s my 180 days today, which ppl in the program call ur six months, pretty awesome…I don’t remember the last time I did anything for six months, I think I had just over six months at crossroads but that was almost 4years ago..I wasn’t suppose to get sober this time, that bender wasn’t suppose to be my last, that fifth of whiskey wasn’t suppose to be my last..I came in here through a window of opportunity.. And I couldn’t be more greatful..six months ago I thought I’d be dead in a year. And I actually wanted it in a sick way..but here I am. I’ll tell ya, life’s a pretty legit trip. My life is beautiful, even when I can’t see it. I want to write all about my fifth month, where it took me and where it landed me, but I’m actually a little bit tired and that’s an opportunity I want to jump at this second…
I’ve been doing pretty good with my priorities the past few days, life is so much better when I do #fact
Lot’s to say but too tired to write, but I want to note this real quick.
Today was a completely fabulous day again, finally.
SOOO stoked for May, BRING IT ON
Idk how good I’ve been with my priorities the past two days that ice been out of my funk (today and yesterday) I went to the gym yesterday but not today, and my eating hasn’t been grand either day, nor my water intake :(
I spent time with Diane yesterday and a few different things with my siblings and parents add to the family categories today.
I spent time with meg and I called mckenna today. I’ve had a nice chat with Gavin today, so I guess that’s good for friends.
I went to school yesterday when I did NOT want to, the old me would have said fuck it for sure..the old me would have said fuck it a while ago actually. Anyways I also did a lot of math homework last night. Today tho I didn’t have to work and I didn’t do math stuff so, boo.
Yesterday I didn’t do technical sobriety stuff (also forcing me to get out of bed and handle life on life’s terms is always good for my sobriety), and today I went to a meeting and met with my sponsor and finished my first step and gave meg her token. So that was all good.
I’ve been pretty good with the bf, being honest with him, and appreciative of all he’s done while I was going thru it, also I didn’t call him a baby when I secretly thought about it #men
So I guess maybe it doesn’t feel like I’ve done a lot, but when I write it all out it seems like I didn’t do THT bad. Tomorrow tho the health priority is getting bumped to the top, gotta get back in it!!!! #cleansetime
I want to write about my funk. I want to write about some fears I’m experiencing today..but I also want to sleep. So I think right now that’s what’s most important, sleep.
I’m just like too stoked on life to sleep. It’s 4 in the morning and I’m too excited and too happy to sleep (that’s new). The convention starts tomorrow and I get to spend the whole day with my fella. And then I only work in the morning on Saturday and I get to go back to the convention and spend the NIGHT with Cody #soBeyondExcited and then it’s Easter #familyTime and then next week starts and it’s going to be a great week #camping. My life is just so fucking awesome right now, it is literally the shit! I love being sober, I’m growing in to this woman and living this life I always wanted but never thought I’d have, and it never even crossed my mind that if I cut out the liquor I’d could even have potential to be her, I just thought, no that’s just not me. And really it was me the whole time. God it’s so beautiful and amazing and I am so blessed and filled with crazy gratitude. And today was just another fabulous day.
I’m not on my pink cloud again, I’ve just decided to permanently move in. I had a great workout, I had a full day of school, I had family connections; from cousin to mom, and my talk with Gavin was successful and I feel a million times better and it’s great to have that guilt and fear removed. And although of course I wish I had been able to spend more time with Cody, it was good for us BC we miss each other more than normal and that’ll make tomorrow even better and we still had some good chats apart #inLove. The only thing I would have changed about today is that I wish I had been able to go to a meeting. But this weekend will bring many, and for my #sobriety today, I reached out to my sponsor and asked for advice with making amends to Gavin.
My heart is full today BC I took the time and did the necessary steps to fill it.
Now I’m gonna say some prayers while falling asleep.
#career/school: worked for seven hours, and worked hard. Did homework when I got home tonight.
#health/diet: ate pretty healthy all day, a lot of fruit, protein shake, a yogurt, a cliff bar and some zucchini. Unfortunately I did some unhealthy stuff too, we went to the gym but it was crowded as FUCK and I was already feeling some insecurity freak outs in my mind so we left before I had a full blown panic attack (maybe leaving was actually the healthy thing to ..gotta cut myself some slack here) but what is def unhealthy, I’ve been dangerously becoming dependent on energy shit again. This time it’s that five hour crap, I was doing SOoooo well!! Time to reign it in..also I need to amp up my water intake, been slacken thurrr.
#friends: sent out some nice texts to Dee this morning. Chatted a bit with Scott and Gavin again. Made an effort to talk to a few different girls at my after care.
#family: helped pops with his letters, called mom and chatted with her about her life when I got off of work. Sent some messages to my sister reminding her the rules of life “squats, red lipstick, don’t let boys be mean to u” and telling her I love her and I hope she’s okay with her “scott welk”
#sobriety: after care. Reached out to my sponsor. Reached out to a new comer at aftercare and gave advice even though I was nervous.
#boyfriend: plastic utensils were on sale at the grocery store so I bought him 4packs for his coffee commitment. Lovin that man hard right now. Planning a camping trip soon :) CANNOT WAIT
I love my life, I was in an all around fabulous mood the entire day..with my luck, its going to be that way tomorrow too:) #holla!
Heard a joke-thingy tonight…Scientists take two little boys, one pesamistic and one optimistic and put them in separate rooms. The room that the pessimistic boy is in is full of toys, he stands around whining about how the toys will never all belong to him. The optimistic boy is put in a room full of horse shit, he starts digging thru the shit, throwing it everywhere laughing and saying “there’s gotta be a pony around here somewhere!!” :) pretty cute
I could never imagine being much happier in life, but I never imagined I’d be this happy again either..and that’s pretty exciting. It’s pretty cool that I things like getting my license back, continuing school, getting a career, continuing to excel at the job I have now, taking my relationship with Cody to the next level, possibly one day moving in with him #marriage, continuing to get close to the very important people I have in my life..those are things that will add to my happiness, and those things are all more than doable, as long as I keep my sobriety my priority.
I did good with my daily priorities today
#health; had a great work out, all I wanted to do was sleep in like crazy but I dragged my ass out of bed and forced myself to go and it was definitely worth it.
#Career/school; went to school today, was productive in class, worked on a bit of homework when I got home.
#friends; text with Gavin a lot, had a nice important conversation, set up a date to meet up with him. I’m nervous about seeing him but he’s moving and I need to make my ammends, he deserves to talk about what happened between us, and he’s moving in a few weeks and its important for our friendship that we see each other, he does mean a lot to me. Also I called Scott because he asked me too, and we had a nice talk and I was there for him with family stuff. And although sometimes it’s hard for me, he deserves to have me be a good friend to him.
#family; cooking lesson and hang out time with Diane, made a point to reach out to Alyse (hope it was okay) spent some time chatting with my sister. Wished Shar a happy birthday ;)
#sobriety; all the things I did today helped my sobriety. Living a normal let helps my sobriety.
I feel like I should add a priority, it’s going to be #boyfriend. I’m not going to like buy him stuff every day or whatever but I just want to make sure I do things and act in a way that let’s him know how appreciative I am of him and how happy he makes me and how special he is to me. Soo..
#boyfriend; I sent him a really nice text before we went to bed just thanking him for being a kick ass dude, and we had fun alone #ridingInCarsWithBoys, and #bj ;) whoever thought it really could be enjoyable…not me :)
.. Some only maybe
No day but today
I came home from dinner tonight just so stoked on life, had a great work out, had a great day at work, had a great dinner with Cody and his nephew, had a great time all around with my fella and had a great time #ridingInCarsWithBoys. When I came home I found myself wishing, like I often do, that I could text tay and talk to her about how happy I am and see what’s going on in her life and just share in my joy. And I’ve wrote about this before but tonight i just found it so awesome again, I don’t have to reach for the bottle anymore, I can deal with my sadness and pain and grief and loss. I Can sit down and think about her, and cry if I need, but just let my heart fill with love and sadness both at once, I can let myself feel. However unpleasant it maybe, it’s real. And that’s just so beautiful today, I’m learning to live with feelings. I’m learning to live with pain, and uncomfortableness, regret and doubt and fear and loss and guilt, sadness and anger, and I’m also learning to live with joy, triumph and accomplishment and humor and celebration and love and every type of happiness and good feeling. Before, everything caused me to drink, from crying, to yelling, to laughing, to just waking up. Today, I get to experience feelings. And I’m not saying you get sober and you learn and everything about u changes. Some things change right away, like most of us stop stealing, and there’s a lot we can stop lying about and ect. But I didn’t get sober and suddenly know how to deal with my sadness and loss. Or for example, just a few days ago I got in to an argument with Cody and the worst side of me came out. And I handled the situation terribly, and I was embarrassed and regretful and felt so horrible about it, such a bad side of me came out. But the cool thing is that I got to sit and think about it.I saw exactly where it went wrong and how my anger took over me and I was able to make mental decision on how to handle myself in the future. And that is just so awesome. We have these defects that don’t go away when we get sober, just BC we don’t drink or use doesn’t mean we aren’t still who we are. We’re training ourselves to change for the best, we get to stop and think about how we want to react in life, and eventually doing the right thing will just become habit. Right now that’s my biggest blessing, that I get to grow and change in to this awesome person who does the right thing. There are so many people out there who are assholes and rude, selfish people that aren’t addicts or alcoholics, they are going to go through their wholes lives being those people, but we get to take the time to learn to be better. Today, that’s my biggest blessing, I’m stoked on my job and school and my family relationship and my friend relationships and my awesome boyfriend, but being able to grow in to a good person is by far the greatest gift of the program for me, today. “We will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us” (1 of the promises)